aus "Some Girls" - von Jillian Lauren:
Von einer Frau, die in tiefster Selbstsuche, unter anderem Zeit in einem Harem in Brunei verbrachte - und ihre, mir ungewöhnlich vertrauten, Gedanken ...
"... they were that sure of who they were."
(about the nomadic tribes in Persia)
"I longed for a magic pill to soothe the restlessness that prickled constantly under my skin."
"Still I wondered if somewhere in my DNA I would find an explanation for my restlessness, if somewhere in my biology lay the arrow pointing me in the direction I was meant to go."
"I accused myself of being weak-willed, lazy, self-indulgent. The list of indictments goes on.
I was sure if I just tried hard enough, did enought yoga, chanted the Hare Krishna, read Freud and Jung and the Dalai Lama and Ram Dass, stopped eating chocolate, started working out more, and learned those fucking French tapes I had dragged along with me, I would heal. I was sure that if I could just scale this fortress I would reach a height with a sunny blue sky and fresh air. I would stand there and experience myself as redeemable rather than ruined. I had no idea what kind of animal I was facing."
"..., I was sure it was fixable if the world would just change faster, or if I would.
Part of this illusion was sustained by the fact that changing the scenery appeared to work."
"I told myself I had to get out of there soon - to do something real, to be free."
"I felt a sadness I couldn´t put my finger on."
"I wanted to find myself and at the same time I wanted to create myself. The two things converged in an unexpected way. (...) The great thing about a tattoo is that you have no room for the luxury of doubt. You have to stand behind your decisions."
"There she is, the girl I want to be, real and unashamed ..."
"But I needed to find the place my heart came from."
"With my tattoos, I serve as witness and documentarian to myself. (...) they were my battle scars."
" Two roads diverged, and I took the one that looked like freedom."
"I don´t want to live my whole life ... quitting everything I start."
"He told me that even when I did things poorly, I should do them without apology."
"I was desperately in search of SOMETHING ..."
" (...), if I didn´t always quit the minute things got hard."
"But I didn´t dance like that. And frankly I was sick of wishing that I did."
aus "Pretty"
"(...) because really, what other power do I have? I have the power to make him think of me when he´s fucking his girlfriend."
" Pretty just is. Pretty is pretty and it can get you a few things. And it doesn´t last long so whatever the hell you can do with it while you have it, go ahead and do it. So that´s all I was doing. Just trying to use what I had to wring the last electrical charge out of a night that was fast slipping through my fingers while Aaron turned his face away."
" My love for Aaron was so acid it scraped my veins raw. (...) He was nobody´s easy anything."
"Aaron did love me. (...) Not so that it twisted him ugly and desperate."
" (...) so I settled for the next best thing and acted the wild one. Sometimes it was true."
" Maybe to see if I could make him really lose it. Maybe to measure how much he cared by how bad it could get."
" I might make him hurt for a heartbeat like I hurt for him all the time."
Jillian Lauren